Suicidal Thinking

Just sharing this: I felt terribly depressed yesterday for no apparent reason..except the recent bout of heat and humidity and my asthma condition, which—even here, close to the ocean, sometimes makes breathing a struggle.

I begin to romanticize. Thinking that my life has been a waste of everybody's time..including mine. Funny, but not funny. Because when the human brain doesn't get enough oxygen, or too much oxygen, it can play tricks..and cause suicidal thoughts.

Especially now, early in my sobriety, as I have written here in previous posts, without drugs or booze to calm me, sober 14 months in August, these thoughts are a common thing—but not bad enough to cause me to go back to the hell I came out of.

So, if I don't focus on my breathing, and slow my mind down..I can quickly get anxiety attacks, make the wrong decisions, and into trouble mentally.

From that point, from my past history of relapse, it's tough to say what could happen.

I might just say, to myself, fuck it ! the movie is over, and  now I must leave this cold and empty theater of life through the nearest door I can find. Perhaps the first one I see with a lighted Exit sign flashing above it.

That's exactly what irrational and suicidal thinking is like for me.

It comes in waves, and nearly drowns me with it's sudden presence and furious anger.

And when it leaves, like the falling of a full moon tide, it leaves me on the cold dry sandy beach, alone and afraid.

We addicts have been told by Jiddu Krishnamurti, Eckhart Tolle and other Meditation experts, in their books and videos, that deep breathing and crazy thinking cannot happen simultaneously..the brain can't do both at once.

So, when I focus on my breathing it brings me back to the reality of the present moment, and out of the fantasy of killing my useless self.

Escaping from stupid thoughts is sometimes a struggle, but writing these little blog posts is very cathartic. And it helps me tremendously.

So thanks for reading. I hope I have explained the process that my mind takes in it's constant struggle to stay alive, sane, and most of all clean and sober.
~
"Everything is eventual. Change happens every second. Change for the better can happen as fast as change for the worse. It's just a matter of holding on until it passes."

 ~ Garth MacIntosh - Outlaw_mann on Twitter / July 27 / 2018

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rOiW_xY-kc

Conspiracy Theories

Wolves are one of my favorite animals.

They remind me of humans...only much more authentic.

Wolves are the real deal.

Like other predators, including mankind, they're best approached and observed, at least at first, from a very safe distance.

Do they even know that they're beautiful, these wolves who scare the hell out of anything they encounter?

Wolves are social-pack-animals that only kill in order to eat and survive another day.

And—what about those fairy tales ?

The ones we were told in those bedtime childhood myths?

Tall tales that we were force-fed and conditioned to believe.

Like the one about the little girl with the Red Hood?

Or the three little innocent piggies who were eaten by the big bad wolf?

Is any of that stuff true?

Certainly not.

It's more likely that our sick parents, who were once traumatized by their parents, decided to repeat the offence on us. 

Which, by the way, didn't help us a bit in understanding nature's wonderful complexities or the beautiful-creatures which dwell on the hidden surfaces of this planet. 

Wolves are just like all of us other earthlings who are trying to find something good to eat so we can live another day and they are not intentionally trying to cause problems for humans. We are as much trespassers in their world, as they are in ours. 

For me, it's very simple to see the world in a holistic way. One that tells me we are obviously all, including wolves and other mythical beasts from childhood, a part of a greater whole..sadly most people do not.

I believe that, due to being told myths and fairy tales at such an impressionable age and so early in our brain's development, most people, either consciously or unconsciously, fear anything that has sharp teeth and lives in forested areas or oceans.

I realize that it's not a good practice to place blame on something. But as an Atheist, I also blame religion, Christianity mostly—which I feel goes polar opposite and contrary to mother nature in almost every aspect.

After all, what is the Bible if not a book of middle eastern fairy tales for adults?

What ever your beliefs are, real or fictional, conspiracy or otherwise, I want to tell you that I do have the utmost of respect for you and your personal beliefs.

Although I hope you do not pass along or project your belifs upon your children. They are born, as we all are, with a built in bullshit detector. And let's not mess with that.

 And as the famous quote, which has been falsely attributed to the great philosopher, Voltaire once stated: " Even though I may not agree with what you say, I will defend  to the death your right to say it."

Thanks for reading.

Check out this interesting video below from one of the greatest thinkers of all time.

What is Religion?

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULaiDcHPlJg

He Who Fights Monsters

All Churches will hopefully someday be abandoned.


They are much more beautiful looking like relics of some lost and forgotten age.


An age when small innocent children were indoctrinated into a cult-like following and then molested with impunity by Priests who hid behind the cross for protection.


They called them Alter Boys, Choir Boys, but they were actually easy prey for the corrupt Catholic Church.


An age when Honest People were brainwashed into believing that, depending on how much of their salary they gave, they would be exalted into the sky after death and land in some sort of afterlife paradise called Heaven.


The sad part is that most churches are not abandoned, and forms of asinine religious beliefs still rule the United States Government, and their pathetic voting process.


A process where the end result has recently seen a dictator, an oppressor, a glorified Real Estate agent being thrust into power by ignorant humans. - Garth MacIntosh


"He who fights monsters should see to it that he himself does not become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." ~ Nietzsche