A footnote to my recovery:
Personally speaking, this phenomenon called Human Nature continues to puzzle the hell out of me.
Especially when it's dealing with certain humans from the past. Humans who, except for Facebook, are no longer a part of my current life and now live many miles away.
My question to my self these days, is why do I continue to attempt to " make nice " to certain humans who do not believe that I have changed..or that I will ever change?
It also seems to me that some humans from my past seem to be happy that I am no longer around them or "their family."
So, it's a lesson that I have yet to learn.
I have to learn that doing the best I can for me and my recovery, and attempting to make amends to people from my past, isn't always going to go as planned. And that trying to be a nice guy on social media, but not in person, to a certain family of broken females, well meaning mothers and daughters that I have so-called "left behind" and continue to leave behind, is not always going to be accepted and appreciated.
Yet, it seems to me that some of their current pain is not mine to fix. And, there are some things I cannot fix. So, no matter how I see myself these days, some humans from my past will continue to see me as the guy who, for a very short time, came into their life and ruined everything.
The way I see it is certainly not the way they see it. To me, it seems I'm still an easy target for their current problems. If their life is not going well, it can still be easily blamed on someone from their past. A guy who let them down, "left them behind."
To them, I'm still a monster, or at least someone who once involuntarily hurt their feelings.
Forgiveness is out of their current reach. And they seem to enjoy that fact.
So, I guess sometimes I have to add these certain humans to my Facebook block list. And, don't get me wrong, it's not because I don't want to have contact with them, but only because they simply are not on the same page as me. And, also because I refuse to be an easy target for their current life-problems.
I guess some pieces of that old unfinished puzzle will never fit right..no longer slide easily into place. Maybe those broken and discarded pieces never did fit.
Maybe I wanted them to fit so badly, that I bent and twisted them and made them fit. And now, maybe they are so torn, damaged and twisted that they will never fit correctly?
And, if I choose to stand back and and take a good look, with clean and sober eyes, it's not a very pretty picture. Certainly not a complete picture. Not the complete family with the house and white picket fence.
Looking back, it's a puzzle made from pieces that just didn't fit.
No matter, even nearly 20 months into recovery from poisonous chemicals, I continue to fool my self by thinking that, If I just turn them a certain way, this time they will pop perfectly into place and the picture will come together beautifully.
That's my current problem.
I guess it's still my puzzle to figure out.
It's the puzzle of life...and human nature.
Thanks for reading.
~ GWM
1 / 23 / 2019
- 6:18 AM
" I'm not following your frame of mind
Complaining about this life all the time
Surely something good here as the world spins by
Could you please stop being so mean
This will never work out that's what you say
It's the end of the world again yesterday
When I see you coming at me I'm gonna walk away
You need to stop being so mean."
~ Mean - John Mellencamp
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