Clean and Sober - Living Guilt Free

Even though we live hundreds of miles apart—and the times that I've seen her in her short 13 years of life have been precious and few—I want my daughter to know that I love her unconditionally and instinctively.


I cannot regain any of the lost moments and special occasions that I've squandered, nor can I buy my way back into any of my children's lives through money, lawyers and family court decisions.


That would be an exercise in futility at this point.


And I also think it would do more harm than good.


However, thanks to Facebook I can maintain some second-hand contact and honestly tell them that I'm truly sorry.


AA taught me that 'Making Amends' is about being truly sober and having an honest willingness that includes ridding myself of the past—and being free of guilt.


I have lots of guilt.


The two boys are in their twenties now. And the one female is in her early teen years. So there's nearly 30 years of guilt built up.


To all three mothers, I owe you all an apology and a gesture of love and gratitude. And some also to my own mother.


I have been drug and alcohol free, clean and sober since June of 2017. My brain is taking a long time to thoroughly heal.


The pills did a real number on my mental health also..but at least my typing and writing skills have returned. (Smiles)


I still have my dream of one day writing and publishing a real book. Not just internet blogging, but something I can actually touch and feel. A hard copy. No idea yet what it will be about.


I will have Seventeen months of non-stop clean-living on Dec. 8.


At first, it was hell...sick and tired..withdrawal, guilt, remorse, self hatred...and wanting to commit suicide.


Now though, I've stopped poisoning myself with government controlled chemicals. And time does heal all things.


Sometimes I think, this feels too good to last. Usually, I've relapsed by now—but sobriety is starting to feel so good I want to stay this way.


Thanks to everyone on Facebook from Dartmouth, my former hometown, who is still following my progress on here.


I left AA, and today I am sober by finding an inner power; through mother nature, silence, looking within,and simply breathing in and out.


I will keep breathing.


Love you all.


Thanks for my life.


Garth William Macintosh.


November 27/2018 - 9:55 PM

Ramblings of an Alcoholic

I am an artist of self-destruction, suicidal sometimes, yet I am also a lover of life.

A student of  my life.

One who has learned from 50 + years of experiences, that, in the end, as in the beginning, win or lose, we are all cut from the same perishable cloth, and likewise, all destined to have the same meager possessions when we leave this world.

We all get a shiny slab of polished granite carefully placed above a manicured six foot hole in the ground. 

This is the extent of what I know for certain, the rest is like an unread novel. One that I will read once and then pass along.

So, that being said, why do so many of us focus our entire day on goals and financial gain?

As the greatest writer who ever lived, William Shakespeare, once stated so eloquently, and I will paraphrase, what comes between the date of our birth and the hour of our demise is known to no-one. At least not until it has been played out upon the stage of life. 

We think we have hope, but hope is a mistake, an illusion. Too smart for our own good, we go on kidding ourselves that we are living the good life, when in fact, we spend most days dreaming of an unattainable future.

I am a skeptic and a pessimist who dreams of one day writing pages and pages of terrific tales of war and peace, like Tolstoy, just not that famous.

In truth, I am an alcoholic and drug addict of the lowest form.

I have hurt hundreds of people with my words and my actions, and if I could indeed kill myself, I would do it in an instant. 

Unfortunately however, at age 56, I am alive and well, and sentenced to live out the rest of my life on a tiny peninsula located on the Southern tip of an eastern Canadian province. A final breath of fresh-salt-air in what has been nothing more than a life of depression and despair . 

I'm hoping that when the end does finally come, it will be swift and painless. Perhaps, in his famous ballad called 'The Gambler' the folk singer Kenny Rogers was right. The best that we can hope for is to die in our sleep.

Thanks for reading my weekly dark thoughts, My writing skills that were apparent to some, ten years ago, seem to be returning quickly. I may have once again found a voice and a desire to be real—and if my uneventful life is all I can muster to jot down at this moment, then so be it.

My drug and alcohol soaked brain is seeming to be finally repairing itself day by day. 

I will write more soon. The choice to read this depressing garbage is entirely yours.

~ Garth MacIntosh

Suicidal Thinking

Just sharing this: I felt terribly depressed yesterday for no apparent reason..except the recent bout of heat and humidity and my asthma condition, which—even here, close to the ocean, sometimes makes breathing a struggle.

I begin to romanticize. Thinking that my life has been a waste of everybody's time..including mine. Funny, but not funny. Because when the human brain doesn't get enough oxygen, or too much oxygen, it can play tricks..and cause suicidal thoughts.

Especially now, early in my sobriety, as I have written here in previous posts, without drugs or booze to calm me, sober 14 months in August, these thoughts are a common thing—but not bad enough to cause me to go back to the hell I came out of.

So, if I don't focus on my breathing, and slow my mind down..I can quickly get anxiety attacks, make the wrong decisions, and into trouble mentally.

From that point, from my past history of relapse, it's tough to say what could happen.

I might just say, to myself, fuck it ! the movie is over, and  now I must leave this cold and empty theater of life through the nearest door I can find. Perhaps the first one I see with a lighted Exit sign flashing above it.

That's exactly what irrational and suicidal thinking is like for me.

It comes in waves, and nearly drowns me with it's sudden presence and furious anger.

And when it leaves, like the falling of a full moon tide, it leaves me on the cold dry sandy beach, alone and afraid.

We addicts have been told by Jiddu Krishnamurti, Eckhart Tolle and other Meditation experts, in their books and videos, that deep breathing and crazy thinking cannot happen simultaneously..the brain can't do both at once.

So, when I focus on my breathing it brings me back to the reality of the present moment, and out of the fantasy of killing my useless self.

Escaping from stupid thoughts is sometimes a struggle, but writing these little blog posts is very cathartic. And it helps me tremendously.

So thanks for reading. I hope I have explained the process that my mind takes in it's constant struggle to stay alive, sane, and most of all clean and sober.
~
"Everything is eventual. Change happens every second. Change for the better can happen as fast as change for the worse. It's just a matter of holding on until it passes."

 ~ Garth MacIntosh - Outlaw_mann on Twitter / July 27 / 2018

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rOiW_xY-kc