Even though we live hundreds of miles apart—and the times that I've seen her in her short 13 years of life have been precious and few—I want my daughter to know that I love her unconditionally and instinctively.
I cannot regain any of the lost moments and special occasions that I've squandered, nor can I buy my way back into any of my children's lives through money, lawyers and family court decisions.
That would be an exercise in futility at this point.
And I also think it would do more harm than good.
However, thanks to Facebook I can maintain some second-hand contact and honestly tell them that I'm truly sorry.
AA taught me that 'Making Amends' is about being truly sober and having an honest willingness that includes ridding myself of the past—and being free of guilt.
I have lots of guilt.
The two boys are in their twenties now. And the one female is in her early teen years. So there's nearly 30 years of guilt built up.
To all three mothers, I owe you all an apology and a gesture of love and gratitude. And some also to my own mother.
I have been drug and alcohol free, clean and sober since June of 2017. My brain is taking a long time to thoroughly heal.
The pills did a real number on my mental health also..but at least my typing and writing skills have returned. (Smiles)
I still have my dream of one day writing and publishing a real book. Not just internet blogging, but something I can actually touch and feel. A hard copy. No idea yet what it will be about.
I will have Seventeen months of non-stop clean-living on Dec. 8.
At first, it was hell...sick and tired..withdrawal, guilt, remorse, self hatred...and wanting to commit suicide.
Now though, I've stopped poisoning myself with government controlled chemicals. And time does heal all things.
Sometimes I think, this feels too good to last. Usually, I've relapsed by now—but sobriety is starting to feel so good I want to stay this way.
Thanks to everyone on Facebook from Dartmouth, my former hometown, who is still following my progress on here.
I left AA, and today I am sober by finding an inner power; through mother nature, silence, looking within,and simply breathing in and out.
I will keep breathing.
Love you all.
Thanks for my life.
Garth William Macintosh.
November 27/2018 - 9:55 PM
